I am going to try to be honest. I feel tension in myself, a need to project a stalwart demeanor while at the same time, wanting to be true to myself, to you, to life. I could quite simply say, I am tired of having cancer, maybe just tired. The fatigue that comes with the chemotherapy is tremendous. My heart pounds with simple movement, like taking the stairs, turning over in bed, sometimes thinking feels strenuous.
At the same time I am writing my second book and I am so eternally grateful to the spirits that be-that all of this crazy portion of life has come together, at the same time and in this configuration. I cannot show images of my work, I would rather you purchase the book! But I can show you my messy work table.
Being able to journal while thinking about how best to describe the process and to sit and write out my thoughts is a boon and a saving grace. Immersing myself in something fruitful and engaging is what I need right now. I just came off of 5 or more days of recovery, and when I am unable to make, to do, my mind can go to the lowest points imaginable. So today, I painted spirits looking down, gowned and present, a funky bottle glassed man walking as if within sleep, to a house surrounded by creatures and dragons, topped with a a wondrous pearl. It was like walking through a dream, time fell away, my fatigue vanished. Ah, just...what I needed.
Beautiful. It is. You are. You will be. Breathe. Each day is the one. xo
Oh Melly - I know how you feel & soon it will be all over. I am so looking forward to your NEW BOOK, still have the postcard to finish for you....Sending you POSITIVE THOUGHTS for some energy and REST! Resting is GOOD!!!
Melly,
I was thinking of you today because I need honey! :) I called Dennis, but he wasn't home. Hopefully, later I can go over and get some of his liquid gold. I am eternally grateful to you for introducing him to me! Always, look at your house and pretend you still live there...for selfish reasons of course...I want a crafting buddy out here...
Take care!
Love,
Gab
P.S. - Your "dreams" make mine seem so "blah".....
I love that you are sharing the pain and fatigue and despair that comes with the chemicals that are destroying the dreaded cancer. I think it is therapeutic for all of us. You do not need to sugarcoat what is going on. I can't wait to see what creative stuff you will produce while you walk this journey. Just know that we are all there with you - your minions of friends and admirers. BTW - I think your workspace looks fantastic, especially with you in it.
I can't wait to buy your book!
I can't imagine the tired. Hang in there, chica.
So glad the process feels so therapeutic. (And why is that word so hard to spell? Gah.) Sometimes work is a really strong, good medicine. XO
Melly,
I really truly love that you are working on your book through this process and not waiting until you are feeling 100%. I think this book is a healing, healthful moment.
Imagine a big hug from me, one that will be delivered in person as soon as we can.
Teri
Be really kind to yourself. I'm not sure where we in the USA got the idea that cancer patients, especially breast cancer patients, are supposed to buck up and be positive and brave and noble and heroic. Still, you are doing amazing things. WOW.
Wrapping my arms around you in an embrace. Be brutally honest, putting on the perky face only adds stress. You are educating some of us, reminding others who have traveled this path how far they have come, and eternally inspiring us. Your fairy tale art sounds wonderful and cathartic. Rest my friend and be yourself, always. xoxoxo
Hang in there - it WILL get better! I can't wait to buy your next book.
I love this photo of you at your work table. Despite your profound fatigue you look healthy and strong. I love your cap!
Sending love to you.
Leslie
It does not take courage to be well nor to be sick for a day or two. What takes courage is to continue day after day expecting there to be another day after that.
This book will carry a special energy and meaning to all of us, as I know it does to you. Remember that the reason all of us (those who know you well, those who don't, those who have met you only once - I am the bobwhite woman who met you in Chicago last year) who come to this place you have opened to us, come to bolster you on the days that are tough. We don't expect or desire a brave front or a cheery note. We don't need to be entertained. We only need to be your friends when you need us to be.
Kathy
We don't get to play with you as often anymore, so it is wonderful to see you sitting with computer open and lots of good stuff surrounding you. We miss you - and hope that upswing week gets here soon.
You look wonderful. I remember the fatigue all to well. I constructed many projects in my mind on those days. I'm so thrilled you have your new book. I can't wait.
Love & Peace
Joanne
Hi Melly, I know how it is, I am so impressed that you are actually being creative during this difficult time, I went through it last year and it is hell, but when is over it is over, I dont know when you started and when it will finish all I can tell you is that the fatigue will last a little longer but you will feel better and it will all seem like a dream. You are very strong. Love Sylvia (my maiden name was Sylvia Testa)
Wait. That's your studio?
Where's the cat chewing on your favorite paint brushes? Where's all of last weeks dishes left over from all of last week's lunches? Where's the cat box with the trail of litter leading from it? Where's all the half-finished drawings and paintings that were started with such optimism but abandoned when they failed to live up to the perfect images that you'd had in mind? Where's the Winter coat that you've been meaning to put back in the hall closet since last December? Where's the trashcan that hasn't been emptied in a year?
And where's the pile of New Yorker mags on the floor that you are SURE you're going to read some day with the bottle of voddie underneath it for "tea" time?
I've never seen such an organized work space, and I'm a Capricorn -- which means I'm hard to impress. But I'm impressed.
I am late in learning about your cancer because I am so hit and miss in blogland. I 'met' you over at the QuiltingArts site and bought your book. Have been hoping you'd make it down to South Florida to do some workshops. Sending you all the very best and look forward to your next book.
Love Vivian's comment! It sounds so much like my house, especially the kitty litter. I forgot to say how much I like your workspace and how gorgeous you are. Hugs.
I am so looking forward to your new book! You are looking healthy and strong in that photo.... despite the fatigue. Creating your beautiful art and getting lost in the process is good medicine.
You look wonderful and I can't wait to see you again. I love your apartment and neighborhood. Love you very much.
I cannot imagine the fatigue that you are going through. I do have some of the lows as I am currently off sick and in the process of filing for disability.
I am glad you have your art and the process of a new book to help keep your spirits up.
Miss Melly, I am so glad you are getting through this, and that you do have the creative spirit within you to help you through! I can't imagine how people who don't create can cope... I'm also glad you can write about your experience. Trying to deal with your cancer without that outlet would be unfathomable to me. Hugs to you, and warm healing thoughts always!
Writing a book while undergoing chemotherapy et al? AMAZING! Do what you LOVE:)
Positive thoughts for you every day!
LY,
jo
ps - I was short of breath with all activity due to low red blood count. I got a transfusion and skipped out!
I don't know what to say. You are amazing, Melly. Here Be Dragons, but the brush is mightier than the sword.
You are an amazing woman!! Remember that and be kind to yourself always. You will beat this beast and in the process we will all celebrate with the purchase of your 2nd book of AWESOMENESS!! You go, girl!! Hugs to you!
So fun to see you at work, Melly! I absolutely cannot wait to buy your book.
Melly, I'm so excited you're writing another book - can't wait to see it! And for you to be plugging through all you're going through is inspirational, though I'm so sorry for your suffering. The photo of you're creative space is great. It's cool to see where you create. What comes to mind is: ART SAVES LIVES I've heard this said so many times and it's so true. It lifts us up, it helps us heal, it shares our struggles and our triumphs. Thank goodness we have art as we all make this mysterious journal through our lives.
I so agree with Kathleen Brickner, Melly. I think of you often as I go about my life here in Wisconsin. I am holding onto you in hugs, good thoughts, and prayers. Thank you for all of your sharing.
Melly... it is difficult...because it is, that is why...and you are an inspiration for all of us, to battle our own 'place'.. and rise to the top. I can only hug you.... a solacing hug, albeit via cyber space...
Crap, another book? I haven't bought your first one yet! But thanks for the reminder, off to buy it now, so you can go ahead & work on the second one. jk, I know you don't need my permission but I don't want 100 of your followers writing me nasty notes. <3 Joanie
Melanie, you are so brave to share all this with everyone. I always like to read your posts because they are from the heart and so touching. As always, my best wishes for you.
This is a great picture. Thank you for sharing your journey warts and all. Don't try to sugarcoat things for anyone. Hang in there, woman. You are incredible. And you are loved.
Dear Melly, I just want you to know that I continue to pray daily for your 100% victory over this disease, and that you are 100% healed and cancer-free from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
messy where?
Shirley alerted me to your situation via her blog. You have such a wonderful support group. I wish you the best. A friend just went through the steps that you are taking and boy, is she looking and feeling great now!
Melly, Though you are tired, your post resonates with strength and determination. Your courage continues to inspire me. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for a speedy return to good health. Ambal
You are one brave, determined woman! I love the photo of you in your organized studio, working away at a new book (can't wait, it is already on my "list" as a must-have) while your body is fighting this monster called cancer. You are amazing, that you have the determination and inspiration to be writing a book while going through all this. I LOVE your last book, one of my very favorites, so I know this one will be much to look forward to. Meanwhile, you are in the hearts and prayers of so many of your fans. Rest as much as you can, be good to yourself. Feel the love!
oh geez. cancer sucks. I'm proud of you for being so very honest. thank you. it's important to be honest.
waay.
xoxoxo
Once again you continue to inspire us in blogland...you're always creative.Pushing the limits and still reaching out to us with other bloggers tutorials.Thanks for the inspirations.We're all cheering for your speedy healing filled with creative juices...Can't wait to see your new book! :)